My name is Clarence!

Now Hiring: Personal Assistant to Entrepreneurial Kitten

Position: Full-Time Personal Assistant
Employers: Clarence, Founders & Head Biscuit Makers
Company: Purr & Knead, LLC
Location: Wherever the soft blanket is

Clarence is a visionary, entrepreneurial kitten specializing in artisanal biscuit production, consumables testing. His rapid scaling operation requires a Personal Assistant to handle day-to-day logistics while his focus is on kneading, napping, consumables testing, and toy R&D.

About the Founders

• Clarence: CEO. Leads biscuit R&D at maximum intensity. Responsibilities also include toy product testing and furniture temperature regulation.

Together, he has disrupted the biscuit industry with:

• Midnight kneading sessions
• Aggressive blanket testing
• Cutting-edge cross-body, claw-inclusive techniques
• Zero concern for OSHA compliance and willing to ignore HR policies.

Responsibilities

• Provide premium biscuit-making services on a wide variety of surfaces: laps, stomachs, chests, couches, beds (yours or theirs)no exceptions.
• Remain calm and collected during biscuit testing. Or not. Willing to reverse decisions on mobility with little warning.
• Quality control testing for kitten-approved consumables. Willing to put in the extra time and work to ensure all products are given full and equal attention.
• Skilled at communicating directives to subordinates. Capable of providing instructions repeatedly and loudly until objectives are met.
• Experienced at coordinating sleeping schedules, regardless of time of day or location in residence. Change in schedules or overtime may be required with little or no notice.

Basic Qualifications

• High pain tolerance and emotional resilience
• Experience in textile softness evaluation
• Willingness to sacrifice circulation for the brand
• Comfortable being stepped on with purpose
• Must understand: biscuits are serious business

Advanced Skills

• Proven ability to interpret at least 7 distinct meows (bonus points for silent screaming)
• Expertise in identifying the wrong food despite it being the exact same food
• Advanced door-opening skills for doors that must remain open but not too open
• Ability to sit down without triggering immediate biscuit production (rare, but valued)
• Familiarity with kitten adopter protocols, including:
  • Accepting that no is merely a suggestion
  • Allowing kitten to supervise all personal activities
  • Understanding that all belongings are communal property
  • Compliance with surprise inspections at 3 a.m.
• Skilled in apologizing sincerely when inconveniencing kitten by existing
• Willingness to be emotionally manipulated by purring

Compensation & Perks

• Competitive purr-based salary
• Occasional face sniffs
• Free biscuits (for them)
• Career growth as a Human Nap Pad
• Equity in the form of shed fur

To Apply

Lie down.
They will begin production immediately.

Clarence is a proud to be a paws-on leadership committed to excellence in biscuits and naps. He would like to be either with his sister, Mouse, or a companion to another pet.

Clarence will be at Nine Lives Cafe and Cat Lounge 1/14/2026 until 2/10/2026. To schedule a time to meet him/her and other ARPO kitties, please visitninelivescatcafe.com. Normal ARPO adoption requirements still apply.